Harmful anger

What is Anger?

 Anger is a natural and vital emotion allowing us to protect ourselves and others from harm, a response to feelings of threat and encroachment on our space. For humans the sense of space goes beyond territory; it means personal space, our power base, our ambition and our sense of self. Against the threat, anger is the fight of the fight or flight response. 

The emotion anger lives alongside physiological responses of heightened blood pressure, racing heart, sweating, feeling hot and too much has significant health impacts; physical, mental and emotional.

More importantly extreme or persistent anger will affect relationships and can get us into bad situations e.g.  violence and harm.

 Dealing with harmful anger holistically is about managing the feelings in the moment while addressing the underlying causes of the anger, the sense of heightened threat or vulnerability. 

An approach in three parts

 Based upon research and approaches in dealing with harmful anger I have developed a three-pronged approach. The parts are not sequential, the starting point will depend upon your current situations and the problems you are facing.

1. Modify Response

 The immediate response to an anger trigger can feel automatic, without and reasoning or thought, often called “fast thinking”. The immediacy and sometime overwhelming feelings mean we respond dramatically, offensively and sometimes violently.

Our reflex response can be changed. Given that we use only a small part of the brain when we respond in these ways, the selected modified actions need to be simple: -

    Things to try

    Shout or make a noise. This can be part of our normal response, often aimed at somebody; it can be hurtful and escalate things. Choosing a word, phrase or noise which will not have such a negative impact. Avoid aiming the outpouring at a person including yourself; swear at the universe. E.g. “I am angry!”

    Go somewhere else. If it is possible moving away from the situation can be useful. Have somewhere close that you can move to, a room or a window. This could be combined with the shout, vocalising you anger away from the trigger.

    Squeezing. Holding and squeezing your hand or intentionally tensing your whole body which can be combined with pulling in and holding your breath. Then after a few seconds release the tension and the breath.

    Shaking your hands. Shaking can be a way of defusing anger.

 These can be used in combination; the idea though is to start with one simple thing.

 2. Reduce the Risk

 Like setting fire to something there are a number of ingredients required to create a harmful-anger situation. There is the trigger, the situation and the physical / mental condition. To be able to reduce the risk there are two things that can be done.

-Firstly, understanding the conditions means starting to make a more detailed note of an incident. Keep a log or journal. Each time a situation occurs or nearly occurs write down a few facts about it. 

When and where did it happen? 

Who was there? 

How did you feel before it happened? 

What was said / done which triggered the reaction? 

How strong was the anger at peak (1-10)? 

How long did it take to pass?

Anything that specifically occurs to you?

 Once you have noted down several incidents, you can start to look and discuss with your therapist patterns and look at ways to lower the risk.

-Secondly, it is well known that a background level of anxiety or tension significantly increases the chances of triggering. Finding ways to reduce anxiety and tension e.g., Yoga, Tai Chi, mindfulness and exercise etc. Your therapist may be able to work you through some exercises you could use.

3. Re-calibrate & Repair

 Anger at its core is a response to threat. Some threats are very tangible some are held deep within us because of experiences, often as a child. We may have experienced awful things with the feelings of fear, threat and anger held within us. As children our imaginations can also elevate our perceptions of threat while leaving us with a sense of vulnerability. The magnitude of anger is a product of both the perceived size of the threat or incursion and our sense of vulnerability.

If somebody knocks on our door at night, we may feel a little disturbed, if they hammer on the door and shout feelings would escalate. Further if we are on our own the feelings may well be magnified again.

 To work on the fundamental foundation of anger there is a need to look for the sources of our sense of threat and our sense of vulnerability. This work can take some time as the origins may be hidden away. They can be caused by a single event or time, or they could have built up over time. 

 We all have within us this Child state. The state when we giggle, we imagine, create and wonder at the world; in this state we can also feel lost, scared and angry. This is the part of our mind where our elevated sense of threat and vulnerability sits. With a therapist, if the events and thoughts which led to the current sense of extraordinary threat and anger can be identified; using our reasoning Adult state these memories, thoughts and feelings can be reimagined and repaired. The threats can be re-calibrated. Feelings of vulnerability can be replaced with feelings of adult potency. The work is never to remove or deny our emotions. Anger is valid and necessary emotion while like all emotions there is a need for balance.